Warning!! RANT! 'ANNOYING FANFICTION'

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I've tried to keep my opinions and smart-assed remarks to myself but after keeping quiet for so long, I've just about had it with all the crappy fanfiction circulating the internet. So here's a brief $0.02 rant, a list of things compiled by myself, my boyfriend, and several of my friends... You have been warned.

Important things for a writer NOT to do that annoy me and will probably prevent me from ever wanting to read your fan-fiction: (The examples given in quotations are actual statements that I've seen far too many times. I am demonstrating to you what should be avoided at all cost!!)


1. If in the first sentence(s) of a story summary (rather than an actual summary) contains the following statements from the author:

"Crappy title" or "Crappy Story" – Why are you saying this? Do you want people to read your story or don't you? If you say it's crappy, then most likely I'll assume your fan-fiction is as shitty as you say it is and I'll not waste my time on trying to read it at all. This is a very good way to turn people away because it makes others see how little self confidence you have as writer. You're supposed to attract readers, not repel them.


"Suckish Summary" or "I'm terrible at summaries – just read it" – Uh, hello? That kind of goes with the whole "Crappy title" or "Crappy Story" bit as seen above. If you're so terrible at writing a summary then maybe you shouldn't be writing at all. Summaries aren't rocket science, people. If you can't even manage to formulate a few simple sentences explaining the basis of your story, (a summary is an integral part, the foundation upon which a story stands) then you FAIL— EPICALLY.


"Please read and review!" or "PLEASE REVIEW!" – Asking this when there SHOULD be a summary makes the author look desperate. FFNet only allows a certain allotment of characters, which is about 3 to 4 sentences to summarize and explain the content of the story. If you want people to read and review your fic, that's fine, as writers, including myself, we all do! But if you make this sort of request, the preferred area would be in the author's notes located either at the top or bottom of a chapter. It doesn't make sense to waste space asking for reviews when you SHOULD be worrying more about the summary, otherwise a reader is more likely to skim over your fic. Unfortunately, most people judge a book by its cover so it's an absolute MUST for a writer to focus on gaining a reader's attention.


"I write faster when I get feedback!" – NEVER, EVER, not in a million fucking years will I read a story if the writer states in either the summary or authors note that if he/she doesn't receive enough reviews for a story, then he/she refuses to write more. That comes off as very shallow and threatening and it's a major turn off, which tells me you're seeking attention and it's obvious that as a writer you lack any creative enthusiasm. I refuse to read your passionless garbage, regardless of how good it is, if all you're looking to get out of it are page views!!  It's completely fine to want reviews (all writer's, me included, do!), but don't let that destroy your love of writing! Otherwise, why even bother?

2. LEARN TO USE THE AUTO SPELL-CHECK! It's there for a reason! Being too busy and not having time to check your spelling/grammar doesn't mean you should post a fic as half-assed as it is then whine about it later when people say how terrible your writing is. You give crap, you get crap. DEAL WITH IT or find an editor who can take the time to correct your mistakes!

3. See rule #2: If your summary is full of misspelled words, bad punctuation, or both, then I'm not going to read your story because if you can't even take the time to check a few sentences then I have absolutely no faith in your abilities to form a coherent paragraph. You're wasting mine and everyone else's time. Writing is obviously not your forte.

4. The only exception to rules #2 and #3 is if you're foreign and English isn't your first language. This, I completely understand and learn to deal with out of respect for the author. I honor those who show the effort to TRY.
  

5. Mary-sue. Don't DO IT. It's stupid. I've been known to do this in the past but I don't anymore. I'm sure there is a copy of my work out there (e.g. "The Day I Met Vegeta") that would make me feel terribly ashamed of myself. ...The shame will follow me to the grave. Your custom personal characters should stand on the strength of their own personality and attitude, not that of other established canon. IF your character is "the chosen one", fine, but make them interesting besides just that. However, That doesn't make it alright. Here is a fine example of what NOT to do per The Oatmeal's dissertation on twilight: theoatmeal.com/story/twilight


6. Don't try to write crossovers that would NEVER happen or function in any kind of real space! The tech specs alone make it impossible!


• Captain Picard should NEVER have to fight Darth Vader!

• Never cross vampires or werewolves with Transformers. Seriously, WTF? Vampires do not make a story better (e.g. Twilight, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, etc. Please refer to The Oatmeal "Twilight" Dissertation link in Rule #5). If you simply can't contain yourself and absolutely MUST rape the soul of yet another decent fandom with  supernatural werewolf/vampire-loving-drivel then for the love of God and all that is holy, DO YOUR RESEARCH to make the plot at least marginally believable! Don't just throw random characters together at completely random intervals and expect people to worship you as if you're a god who eats lighting and craps thunder! OTHERWISE, JUST. DON'T. DO. IT. PERIOD! So far as I've seen, neither of the aforementioned taboo-crossovers (Picard vs. Darth Vader or Transformers/Vampires/Werewolves) has ever worked, not even in the barest logical sense. They're alien robots, as in, NON-BIOLOGICAL, Non-oxygen breathing, Bipedal aliens with Energon for blood! Non-organic life forms don't suddenly become vampires or a fucking were-car that miraculously transform into bipedal murderous TECHNO-ORGANIC BEASTS! BOTTOM LINE. Vampires or Werewolves + Transfomers = FAIL!

End Note: Just pray that you'll never have to read the horrors that I have seen! Part of me has died a little inside and cannot be erased from my memory. I have wasted countless hours of my life trying to read shit that is as worthless as a flabby hunk of whale shit. So trust me when I say you're missing nothing and leave it at that. You'll live longer and probably thank me for sparing you the misery. If you see any of the things that I have mentioned, just run away and NEVER look back.

© 2011 - 2024 Vee-Freak
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VegetaDaimoh's avatar
Who cares? If you don't like it, don't read it. The author didn't write the story for your enjoyment but for their own pleasure.